


A Wandering Womb

by Katrina_Viv



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, menstrual cramps
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-24
Updated: 2019-07-24
Packaged: 2020-07-12 15:10:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,526
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19948255
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Katrina_Viv/pseuds/Katrina_Viv
Summary: Due to an odd ethereal mix-up, Crowley is a temporary uterus owner.





	A Wandering Womb

**Author's Note:**

> I got the idea for this while suffering through my own period cramps.  
> I can't remember if canon!Anathema knows that Aziraphale and Crowley aren't human...in this story, at least, she does not know that.

Anathema had had quite enough of her menstrual cramps. Nothing ever relieved the pain to her satisfaction, so she was finally resorting to the ultimate potential cure: witchcraft. When she felt the first twinges of pain this particular month, she looked in her books of witchery for a suitable spell to fix the problem.

Anathema found a suitable incantation, then gathered her magical supplies. She laid out a circle of salt around her altar, on which she lit a candle and set out some carefully chosen herbs and crystals.

When her spell was nearly complete, she heard a voice outside her house, saying "Oh no!” 

Anathema peeked out the window, and saw Crowley and Aziraphale approaching on foot. She still wasn't quite sure what to think about these two odd men who lived half a mile down the road - after all, they had nearly run her over with their large black car when she first moved to Tadfield. But ever since then, they had been friendly and polite neighbors. She still wasn't sure what the relationship was between the two men, or why they had taken such an interest in her after the Agnes Nutter incident.

Aziraphale, the bookseller, had recently taken up baking as a hobby, and for some reason he liked to bring Anathema cakes and pies fairly often. Crowley, on the other hand, seemed to have no particular occupation, and didn't talk much - apparently he just liked to tag along with Aziraphale.

Trying not to show her annoyance at the interruption, Anathema left her magic circle and opened the door to greet the pair.

"Hello, my dear!" said Aziraphale. "Beautiful day, isn't it? Well, you're in luck, because today I have made you a delicious carrot cake."

"Oh, thank you," said Anathema. "I'm sure it will taste just heavenly." She noticed Aziraphale glance at Crowley and raise his eyebrows amusedly, though Crowley just mildly scowled back, one hand oddly positioned on his stomach. 

_ Is he hungry?  _ Anathema wondered.  _ I do hope that Aziraphale is letting his housemate eat some of his wonderful baking. _

“I wish I could stay and chat, but I’m afraid I have to go. I was actually in the middle of a spell when you arrived.”

“No problem,” said Aziraphale. “We’ll be on our way. Enjoy the cake.”

As she brought the cake to the kitchen and went back to her magic circle to finish the ritual, Anathema sensed a strange emptiness in her abdomen - at that moment, she somehow knew that not just the pain, but her entire uterus had disappeared.

Anathema had a terrible realization of what might have happened. Her sudden pain relief, followed by hearing someone (presumably Crowley) say "oh no," then seeing Crowley acting a bit odd...had her uterus been magically transferred to Crowley?

…

While walking back towards their cottage, Crowley suddenly bent forward and gasped, clutching at his stomach.

"Crowley! What's wrong?" asked Aziraphale, frightened. Ethereal beings such as themselves rarely felt pain.

“I don’t know,” said Crowley. “Just a sudden jolt of pain. It’s better now though. Let’s get home.”

…

Aziraphale’s rotary phone rang shortly after they reached their cottage. 

Anathema was on the other end. “Mr. Aziraphale, this is an odd question, I know, but is Mr. Crowley all right? He seemed to be perhaps somewhat uncomfortable when I saw him with you earlier.”

“Funny you should ask that,” replied Aziraphale. “He’s complained of some strange pains in his stomach area.”

“Oh no,” said Anathema. “I think I know what must have happened. As you know, I come from a long line of witches, and I was in the middle of a pain relief spell when you brought me the cake, and long story short, I think he might have my uterus due to a magical mix-up.”

“What?!” replied Aziraphale. Then, more calmly than might be expected, he added, “Is it something that can be easily fixed?”

“I hope so,” said Anathema defeatedly. “I’ve never had anything like this happen before. I will let you know right away once I figure something out. I’ll stay up all night if I have to.”

“Thank you, dear!” said Aziraphale. “I’ll hope to hear from you soon.”

“One more thing--” said Anathema. “I hope it’s not hurting him too much. You might want to try a warm compress on the area to help the pain.”

Aziraphale went to find Crowley slumped on a sofa, rubbing his stomach while grimacing in pain.

“Life is just full of surprises!” exclaimed Aziraphale. “That was Anathema who just called. You’ll never guess what she thinks is hurting you.”

“Can’t you see I’m too grouchy to guess?” said Crowley.

“Anathema was doing a spell that went wrong, and apparently because we were in the vicinity, somehow her uterus escaped her body and took refuge in yours.”

Crowley’s eyes grew wide. “WHAT?!?!”

“Anathema said she’ll find a way to reverse the spell as soon as possible. She said she’ll stay up all night if she needs to.”

Crowley thought that Aziraphale seemed way too cheerful about the entire situation. The demon dealt with it the best way he knew how, by chugging down some wine. Getting a copious amount of alcohol into his bloodstream as fast as possible might help with the pain, he figured.

Meanwhile, Aziraphale was making some clever jokes. "Are you sure you don't want to keep it?" he asked, barely suppressing a laugh. "It's been over two thousand years - perhaps it's time for another virgin birth."

Crowley replied with a rather weak hiss.

“And do you remember a few centuries ago, when women were diagnosed with a ‘wandering womb’?” Aziraphale asked. “It’s finally actually happened! It wandered right out of Anathema and into you!”

“I hate you right now!” said Crowley.

...

"Uggghhhh," Crowley moaned, early the next morning. He had woken up with a bad cramp in his stomach.

"What's wrong?" asked Aziraphale, who Crowley had nearly forgotten was lying beside him. Though to be fair, he had drunk so much the night before that he barely remembered going to bed at all.

"Stupid cramps." Crowley pulled his knees up to his chest, trying to escape the pain. "It feels like this uterus is trying to eat its way out of my body."

"Oh no! I'm so sorry to hear that," said Aziraphale, gently caressing Crowley's shoulder.

"Shut up," growled Crowley. "Leave me alone."

Aziraphale got up to make some tea. He returned a few minutes later with a cup for Crowley.

"Want some peppermint tea?"

"Ugh. Sure. I'll give it a try." Crowley gulped the tea down.

Though he had been joking about the uterus mix-up the day before, Aziraphale was worried about his partner. Anathema’s uterus was clearly NOT happy. 

"Do you think you'll actually bleed?" asked Aziraphale gently.

"BLEED?!" asked Crowley. "What in the effing hell."

"You  _ do  _ know about periods, right?"

"Actually, no. I never needed to."

"Well, human women have periods, meaning that every month their uterus changes its lining, and the old one bleeds out."

Crowley's eyes grew wide. "Bleeds out from WHERE? I mean, I can guess where, yuck! But for me??? I don't even know how that would work!"

"I hope we don't have to find out," said Aziraphale.

"How do you know about this stuff, anyway?"

"Well, my dear, I've read quite a few books."

“ _ Books _ ,” muttered Crowley sarcastically.

…

Luckily, Anathema arrived with a possible solution a few hours later. “How’s that thing treating you?” she asked.

“Please take it back!” pleaded Crowley.

”It’s caused me plenty of trouble for so many years now,” said Anathema. "I certainly am tempted to let you keep it.”

"No! Wrong kind of temptation!" said Crowley.

Anathema began a spell that would, hopefully, reverse the predicament she had caused. After some incantations and sprinkling of herbs, she felt back to her usual self, and Crowley sighed with relief. Though she had been trying to project confidence in her abilities, Anathema was amazed that the spell had actually worked. 

“Well, I apologize for the trouble,” she said. “I’m afraid that now, I’ll have to go back to dealing with my period cramps some other way, since that spell was clearly too powerful.”

Aziraphale gave Anathema a hug. "Thank you so much for helping fix Crowley," he said. "And I hope your uterus will be kind to you now that it's back in the right place."

After the hug, Anathema realized that while her body felt whole again, her cramps were much lessened.

_ Does Aziraphale have some sort of healing powers? _ wondered Anathema.  _ I’ll have to ask about that sometime.  _ But for now, she was happy to go home and try to forget about this whole ethereal mix-up.

...

“You know, you could have at least tried to fix the problem as soon as we found out about it,” muttered Crowley.

“I’m not sure I can do long-distance organ transplants,” replied Aziraphale. “I also figured that it might not be a bad thing for you to experience another aspect of the human world and gain some empathy for what humans go through.”

Crowley glared, but couldn’t think of anything good to say in response.

  
  



End file.
